Dear avid fans, if any.
I have so much on my mind, and thoughts churn away in random patterns.
Clarity escapes me, but it's clear I am not happy.
The question I have to ask myself is this. What am I not happy about? Churn, churn, churn.
Where to start?
I have very few friends. This is by choice. I find people for the most part, self absorbed, living in little bubbles of there own reality. Blissfully unaware of what is happening in the real world. Avoiding any glimpse of the realities that might crack there bubble of comfort.
They suck up the opinions and interests they are indoctrinated with by society, the media and piers, without the slightest thought of looking at the world from an honest and unbiased viewpoint.
God forbid that they should actually research anything that they bleat there opinions on. Especially from multiple independent verifiable sources that have no conflict of interest or bias.
Most people irritate the shit out of me for this reason.
Sheeple, in short.
I do have a small handful of genuine friends who's thoughtfully considered opinions interest me and who I respect and value. Even when they differ from mine.
So it's not the lack of friends.
Is it my location?
I have chosen to live in a remote area, surrounded by nature. It's wonderful here. Quiet, scenic, calming and not only what I need at this point in my life, but what I have desired for so many years.
In short, it's not the location. I belong here.
Is it the living conditions?
Give me warmth when its cold, shelter from the weather, clean water to drink and food to nourish me and I have the essentials of life nailed down.
Add to that, a warm comfy bed to sleep in, comfortable surroundings to live in, bathing and toilet facilities, a way to keep clothes washed and clean, work and entertainment to stimulate my mind.
I require nothing more.
So it's not the conditions.
Perhaps the weather?
No. I like it here. In the hottest months of the summer, shrewd decisions must be made. Work and play must be tailored to the seasonal climate. Likewise in the winter, spring or autumn. It's the natural way to go.
Is it the work load?
Ok so now we are entering a grey area.
I don't feel The work load is to much per se, I knew before undertaking this life here what it would entail and what the work load would be. I do however have feelings of being left to take it all on myself to some extent. Originally it was all planned out with mutual support in mind.
Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining about this, and I am more than happy to do it all. But this changes the plan somewhat and extends the timeframe that was planned for each separate part of the overall plan.
This adds pressure to get it done as was originally planned.
Pressure I can handle though. So. Ultimately its not the work load.
Is it my health?
Well, since the brain haemorrhage I am far from the same person I was in mental capacity. Memory and logic has taken the most hammer, but on the bright side, I forget that I forget lots of things, so I bimble along at my own pace blissfully unawares that I have forgotten things. Heart condition? I hate all the pills I now have to take, but I am still ticking so I cant complain about that.
I have pain in my neck from where it broke, my ribs hurt when I twist, shoulders, knees, hips, ankles and back ach constantly as do my wrists, all from breaks or years of hammer.
But I am happy with my health for an ex forces forty six year old.
So no, it's not my health.
Is it my age?
Mid life crisis, male menopause, or PTSD rearing its head?
Well, This is an interesting one.
I don't think its a mid life crisis simply because I don't see life the way others do.
Male menopause is out of the question scientifically and I don't get hot flushes.
PTSD? I have learned to live with my demons from the past now.
So no, not my age.
What am I missing here? Why am I unhappy.
The state of the world?
Well it is in a mess, and most people don't see it or the reasons for it.
cognitive dissonance and conformation bias rule the wold apparently.
Most people don't know what's really going on in the world, and the sad part is they don't know that they don't know.
But this isn't what is getting me down.
We are all part of the cosmos.
From the Big Bang came all the atoms elements and particles that make the universe today. What came into existence then is still in existence now, no more no less. Yes things have changed, evolved, metamorphosed into the universe and its contents as we know it now, but essentially, the individual pieces at there base level are still the same.
Stars have been bourn from those pieces, and died, scattering them far and wide, over time turning into other stars and planets. We come from star dust you might say, and along the way parts of us have been plants, birds, fish, rocks, water, and air that ultimately were absorbed and gestated, growing into a foetus and finally the adult humans we are today.
When we die, there is no more conscious thought or awareness. We simply return to the melting pot of elements. We decompose in the soil or go up in smoke. Our atoms continue the journey of life and end up as part of the wind, clouds, oceans, soil, vegetation and rock formations. We are dispersed far and wide. Parts of us may eventually become new stars or nebulous gasses in the universe. Or perhaps we shall forever remain on this little blue dot of ours we call earth, forever in the cycle of the planet. Who knows what the lottery of the universe holds for us. What we have been and what we will become is not for us to know.
We are merely here for a short time in this form, aware of our being. Death holds no fear for me. I don't fear my birth do I so why should I fear my death.
Given preference, I would like to avoid pain and suffering, and I attempt to enjoy my awareness by doing things that please me. But not at the expense of others or the wold that we came from and will return to.
If I have lost you by now, then simply know this.
I despair at the state of the world and all the creatures full of self importance called humans that have spread over it like a plague and seam intent on destroying as much of it as possible. But ultimately it is of no importance. the elements have always been, and will still be long after the human species has burnt its self out, just like all plagues ultimately do. Nature will remain in some new form.
So no. Its not the state of the world or my mortality either.
Is it regrets for past actions or inactions?
Well that's a complicated one.
On the whole, I have no regrets, a bit like Edith Piaf.
My conscious life to this point has made me who I am and brought me to my understanding of life, rightly or wrongly.
If I could do it all again knowing what I know now, I would no doubt do things much differently. But this caveat is not admissible here for I can not turn back the clocks and do it differently with out knowing what I have learned by doing it the way I did. Its a paradigm as old as the universe itself.
Yes, I do have some regrets, but they don't weigh me down and devour my happiness.
During my military service, I did things that I now wish I hadn't, but at the time I was doing them for what I thought was the right reasons. It is only with maturity of wisdom that I realise most of what I did was right but for the wrong reasons, reasons that were fed to us by people with agendas we had no understanding or awareness of.
In my personal life I have also failed on some levels and done things I am not proud of to say the least. But lack of maturity and experience had us all at one time. The main thing is that I have tried to learn from my mistakes and make amends where due. I can ask no more of myself or anyone else for that matter.
No, its not the past.
Is it the human desire?
Us humans are a funny bunch.
We have desires, above and beyond genetically coded instinct.
Yes, we have the instinct to procreate, seek company of others and preserve our life.
But we also have desires, they are a conscious pattern of thoughts that drive us towards pleasure and achievement. Unlike other living beings we seek pleasure. We are not satisfied with a full stomach and a warm sun to lay under. We constantly think about pleasure, be it looking forward to a nice cup of tea, a new smart phone to play with, driving a fancy car, sex with the wife, going out with friends and drinking. These are all human pleasures that we crave.
I am guilty of desire.
I desire some moderate comfort in my surroundings, my bed, where I sit, what I eat, the company I keep, the intellectual stimulation I get, the knowledge I can learn, the "useful" items I acquire and own that enable me to make life simpler and more productive.
I am guilty of all these desires. I am also guilty of desires that involve physical company, affection, love, sex, the appreciation of someone I love, sharing special moments with them, the unreserved gift of ones self physically for the pleasure and whim of the person you love and for it to be reciprocated.
Personally, I have no shallow desires like new cars or phones, or the latest must have item.
I do however have desires that are not being met. Ones that are intrinsic to my happiness.
I am after all, a human male.
Am I just tired of life?
I am forty six, soon to be forty seven.
I have lived a full and eventful life so far.
If I am lucky I might have another twenty to thirty years left.
Assuming its thirty, the last ten or so might be very sedate due to physical ability.
The first ten will probably be consumed with establishing the new life we have chosen here. So there are ten golden years in the middle, if I'm lucky, that will provide the fulfilling lifestyle that I have always wanted.
If I am not happy now and nothing changes, then I have ten years of unhappy effort and ten years of declining health to suffer, and that's on the assumption that the ten years in the middle will be happy ones. If I am not happy now and nothing changes, why would I assume to suddenly be happy in ten years. I have all the basics of life nailed down now.
If I was to continue in my efforts, it might pay off and it might not, but my remaining two thirds of life wont be happy.
Or, I could just cut my losses now.
It has taken me most of the day to right this and at seven pm my head is still churning with thoughts.